Food is the last thing you want, and sleep feels disrupted too. What to do after discovering an affair can feel impossible to answer when your body stays on alert and the details keep replaying. A normal day can feel out of reach, and a simple decision can feel too heavy.
You’ve been googling what exactly you need to do after discovering infidelity, because you’re trying to survive the first hours without losing your sanity. You need help that respects your dignity, honors your faith, and protects your safety.
In today’s post, I’m going to walk you through 8 things to do after discovering an affair, and you can use what fits your situation and leave what doesn’t. If you’re in immediate danger, call emergency services in your area.
What to Do After Discovering an Affair: Start With Safety Tonight
Betrayal trauma can pull you into frantic talking, obsessive searching, or shutdown, and your nervous system stays busy trying to protect you. Safety matters first and it’s practical while your heart catches up.
Thing #1: Help your body calm down
Start with what helps your body settle down enough to think, because your mind can’t rest while your body is on high alert. Water and one favorite snack helps, even if it’s only a few bites and sips.
Try this and keep it simple:
- Drink a full glass of cold water.
- Eat one favorite food you can tolerate.
- Sit with both feet on the floor while slowly breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. Slow breathing calms and relaxes you.
Sleep gets harder when your body is activated, and appetite disappears when stress runs high, so these basics matter more than they usually do.
Here’s something you can tell yourself:
- “I’ll get through tonight with God’s help.”
and then choose one of these:
- Toast, soup, crackers, yogurt, or a smoothie.
Thing #2: Make wise safety decisions
If you’re wondering what to do after infidelity, start with safety decisions you can carry through the night. These choices protect your body and your heart.
Choose one that best fits your situation:
- Sleep in a separate room.
- Ask a trusted person to stay on the phone with you.
- Go to a protected place.
Conversations can intensify late at night, and your body, emotions, and mental functioning pay the price in the days that follow, so a firm boundaries are wise.
Here are some examples:
- “I’m sleeping separately tonight.”
- “We’re stopping this conversation now.”
- “We’ll talk with support.”
Thing #3: Keep the questions to ask after discovering an affair contained so they don’t spin out of control
Questions to ask after discovering an affair multiply fast, and your brain wants to push for details so you can feel safer, but a container, and a plan helps you to stop the questions from spinning out of control.
Here are some examples:
- Write every question down.
- Circle three questions tied to health and immediate safety.
- Save the rest for a supported disclosure process.
Shock increases when questions keep coming while your body’s already flooded, so this protects you from taking in more than you can carry.
Here’s a boundary statement you can use:
- “I’m writing this down, and I’m done talking for now.”
And 3 important questions to ask for now:
- “Are you in contact with your affair partner right now?”
- “Do I need Sexually Transmitted Infections testing?”
- “Is there anything that impacts my safety tonight?”
Thing #4: Tell one safe person what happened
Support matters, and the right support is critical. Choose one person who’ll respect your confidentiality and keep it secure, who’s mature in Christ, trustworthy, and demonstrates compassion. Skip anyone who pushes quick decisions, has a reputation for gossip, or uses Scripture like a weapon.
Stick to this:
- Share one fact.
- Ask for practical help.
- What to say:
- “I found out about an affair, and I need you to stay with me on the phone for ten minutes.”
- “Please pray, and please don’t push advice.”
Scripture says the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and He’s ready to help in trouble. (Psalm 34:18 and Psalm 46:1)
Thing #5: Put boundaries after infidelity in writing
Boundaries after infidelity protect you when trust is unstable, and writing them down helps you stay confident. They keep your words simple and straightforward when emotions rise. Also, firm boundaries and assertive communication reduce debates, and clear and consistent consequences for violations prevent fear.
Here’s a few examples to use:
- No contact with the affair partner.
- No late-night arguing.
- Stop conversations and take a break when defensiveness, gas-lighting, or blame shifting starts.
Assertive communication statements for setting boundaries:
- “Contact with your affair partner ends today.”
- “If defensiveness, gas-lighting, or blame shifting start, we’re done talking.”
- “I won’t tolerate violence in this home, the police will be called if this escalates into violence of any kind.”
For example, write the boundary in your notes app first, and read it out loud if your voice shakes.
(Note: these boundaries are for married couples who are willing and able to work toward healing, take responsibility for their actions, and rebuild safety, and trust. This DOES NOT apply to domestic violence situations. If you’re in immediate danger, call 911 or go to your nearest shelter or emergency room).
Thing #6: Follow a 72-hour Crisis plan
What to do after an affair is discovered gets easier when a short plan is on paper, because your mind doesn’t have to hold everything at once. Ten minutes is enough, and one page is enough.
Write down:
- What you’ll eat and drink
- Who you’ll contact
- Where you’ll sleep
- When conversations stop
- What you’ll do if you feel unsafe
A simple plan won’t erase pain, and it will reduce spinning thoughts at 2 a.m.
Pro Tip: Keep it realistic, and keep it short.
I created a free 72 Hour Crisis Plan for Christian wives after betrayal, and you can get it sent to you by using the link below:
Get the 72-Hour Crisis Plan Here
Thing #7: Guard Your Mind and Heart
After betrayal trauma, your mind wants to make sure you’re safe. We all know the internet has endless content that pours gasoline all over your distress. Choose inputs that calm your body, and eliminate anything that feeds anxious thoughts.
Choose one calming input activity to use for the next hour:
- One worship song
- One Psalm
- One quiet activity for your hands: (drawing, writing in a journal, painting, squeezing a stress ball, using a fidget toy)
Here’s a Prayer Prompt to help you calm your thoughts:
- “God I need you, come near to me right now and take my anxiety and spinning thoughts.”
If your phone pulls you into searching, put it in another room and ask a trusted person to help you stay off it for the night.
Thing #8: Track your triggers and practice care cycles.
Tracking triggers helps you tell the difference between something that needs action and a trigger that needs care.
First, ask yourself these questions:
- What happened?
- How was your body responding?
- What story was your mind trying to tell you?
- What helped you return to a calm state?
- What made the triggering situation worse?
Then practice the following care cycle: (This really works well for me when I’m triggered).
- Name what triggered me and bring it to God.
- Reinforce necessary boundaries and consequences.
- Contact one safe person.
- Drink hot tea or cold water to calm my nervous system and
- Protect my rest and listen to a scripture passage filled with truth needed for that moment.
- Write down how God cared for me in that moment and how He answered my prayer so I can remember that He is Good and faithful in spite of what happened.
This care cycle works to help you slow down, protect rest, and work through triggers without reactivity.
Here is an example of the Trigger Care Cycle in Action:
Make your own copy of the Trigger Care Cycle Tracker Here
Here’s What I Want to Leave You With
Right after affair discovery, you want answers and you need safety. What to do after discovering an affair is difficult to navigate, but here are a few things to start with: protect your body, put limits in place, and bring one safe person close. Remember, God is near, and one prayer brings Him closer. Here’s more help I wrote for you, read it here: Help for the Christian wife betrayed by her husband.
Disclaimer:
I am licensed to provide therapy and counseling services in the States of Alabama and Tennessee. This blog post does not replace professional help from a mental health provider and is meant for informational and educational purposes only. The information on this blog does not create a therapist-client relationship and I will not be held liable for any damages or losses caused by using the tips and actions shared on this blog.
If your situation calls for medical attention or therapeutic intervention, seek the advice of a Licensed Physician or licensed mental health providers in good standing in your local area. Call 911 or go to your nearest Emergency Room if you are in a life threatening or emergent situation. Also, this information is not for those in abusive situations or dealing with someone engaged in criminal acts. If that has happened in your situation, call the authorities and create a safety and exit plan. You don’t have to stay in an unsafe or dangerous situation).
I’m licensed to practice in the States of Alabama and Tennessee for therapy services. However, anyone can sign up for my newsletter and receive and/or purchase other resources to help you with your marriage.
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